pagi ini rasanya ngga easy, hatiku
aku menyadari bahwa aku adalah pemikir dalam, i overthink a lot, sebelumnya juga pernah dan aku bisa mengalihkannya dengan hidup, di dunia nyata. dulu yang aku ingat semuanya aku alihkan pada hal yang bisa aku banggakan, jurnal ini, coba bikin web pakai software super basic kayak html dan css, bikin artikel, dan ngurangin penggunaan sosial media.
life been suuuuper susah dan depressing lately so i guess i have to come back to that real life era.
kenapa sih kayak gini? lagi?
jadi, as you know that i met my ex again and we try to build a relationship that lasts, but idk if this because its still early season like still not even 2 months back together, but i feel like he isn't into me, like probably he's with me because there are only me that could possibly heal him.
but i am not a potion...
last night he said that he is actually bored texting with me and instead we have to meet more in real life, he said he doesn't know if his love is genuine or nah, he said sorry...
there are some thoughts in me after that dialogue:
- am i really that boring? or is the love just gone?
- how could i change my way to communicate to you to make you love me? why should i change me...
- i feel tired because i feel i am not enough, like i am so full of less, one by one my cons are just bein pointed
- love feels harder, i have never experiencing a hard love like this, isn't it supposed to make us feel easy?
- i don't want to change, so i just make ten emoticon of white love as his contact name and i'll remove it one by one if he makes me feel unworthy again.
i don't like this weird weight feelings in me.