life update
halo! it's feb 24th, 2025.
long time no see, fellas. I don't even know now or in the future, whether i still be alive or already die with a smile, i hope i would have a long life, i hope i would still can come back here someday far away with a smile, with my biologist mom and dad, and all of my family, my beloved family.
i just happen to see a post where someone, a woman said that writing your thoughts somewhere could lead you to your dream, this is how i would make it.
i fear a lot, fear of every little detail, even the dream, i fear of them, i fear i would fall, i fear of being hurt, i feel of being left, and i'm scared and feared of being wrong, i fear that this post may lead to a bad things in the future for me.
but i have always found peace after i do some writings, feels like i can instantly do it because i have done summarizing my weaknesses and doubts on a platform.
i always write in english freely, or sometimes using machine like deepl, usually i write it down on indonesian first before translating it, the purpose is to make my writings go international, i also feel like its better for me to write in english since it felt more cool and powerful, i mean there would be a lot of people all around the world that can read it.
my EF SET score is 54 or 56 or 58, that is why i felt so shy when someone ask me the meaning of something and i said i dont know, cuz i do not, i just know how to speak basic communication level, still trembling a lot when i had chance to speak to foreigner, i said i am always on fear.
can i be hmm, on fire? like more spirit, more confidence, anything better and not holding me back from everything that i always dreamed of.
well, i still have a boyfriend, he's good, but somethings happen to my brain, we are doing long distance relationship, he doesnt have religion, we have different culture, and i need a man that is more gentle, i dont know if i have to stay in a relationship when i have to describe every little thing about how i want to be treated and should describe it again and again.
this post would be so random.
since the beginning, i told him how much our age gap is, and its been 4 months, he forgot my age, i feel so saaad.
but he loves my dramatic side, he doesnt just go and do something not gentle like leave me on read or whatever, but still.
so in my religion we have one month full of fasting every year, not eating or drinking anything for some period of time, and he said he cant do that, i said that i knew, but if he really want me he should try, i mean, did you see the difference? religion, love language, culture, and many more that i cant describe.
he is good tho, but hi future me, how is my husband doing? he should be treating you good like the best princess on earth, otherwise i would ask nonstop why would you chose him.
please prioritize yourself first ya, i love you, see you on our best life, good job and good luck, i'll be right there with you asap, please keep doin your best and be happy, i love us, hope that my mom and all family still doing well, i hope we would live on earth for a long period of time with joy and love and everything good that we deserve, i love you so much, mama, makasih banyak sudah lahirkan aku ke dunia dan sayang sama aku banyak banyak, you are the best, love yoou so much mama, mama terbaik di dunia.